There is no beating about the bush when it comes to relationships and what “makes it work”. Nearly everyone you know would tell you it takes a lot of work to make it work. In fact, it gets said so often that it is now almost a cliché. We are all some sort of experts in the department of relationship affairs, because we often know what to do or is expected of us. The problem is in the doing.
Think about it. If a friend of yours comes to you, soliciting advice on what to do concerning his/her particular situation, chances are you would not be tongue-tied. I’d go on a limb and offer that your suggestions would be sound, genuine and sensible. However, when you find yourself in the same situation, you are the last person to remember, or even follow that same advice. That is where the problem is.
Still, we will continue to discuss these matters and repeat the same time-worn tips in the hope that one day, they might actually come in handy and serve good stead in desperate hours.
I was listening to the National Public Radio (NPR) this afternoon, and they were discussing why divorces are getting more rampant especially among the over 50s; people you’d think should be getting ready to just sit back and reap the rewards of their labor. There are no children around anymore to feed and bathe, and even careers are beginning to see the last lap in the horizon. What then could be responsible for these late-year divorces? Whatever happened to the old saying that if you could survive the first 5 years of marriage, the worst is over?! These are folks that have been married for more than 20 years, some even 40!
Apparently, the changes in our value system are largely the culprit here. A book can be written on that topic alone, but I will try to condense it thus. The rules that govern societies change over time. For example, 15 years ago in most places, no one dare mention it out loud that they were gay or transgender. Similarly, the “expected” roles of both sexes have changed dramatically. Women used to be largely dependent on their men for financial support, but more women are becoming the bread winners in more families today.
With this also comes the expectation of who does what at home. Women then were expected to be at home to raise the children while the fathers were out working. These days, with the women being the bread winners, more men are beginning to stay at home as home makers. Is this a good or bad thing? It depends on where you are coming from. That is not the essence of this piece. However, it goes without saying that, with all these changes come a transformed society and development of new rules, some or most of which may lead to the disintegration of the family values as we have known them.
Like I always say, we all make decisions. With these decisions come responsibilities as well. It is only fair that we should be willing to face up to the consequences of our decisions; good or ill. For instance, if you make the decision to have unprotected sex with a stranger, you must also be willing to carry the burdens of infections when they come. That is only fair. But I noticed it is not always like that with humanity. We want to eat our cake and still have it. Someone goes around eating everything that comes their way without any thought or consideration for their health or how they look. After a while, the pounds pile up because of their incontinency. No problem. It is their body and life to do with however they choose. But these same people want to blame their partners for not accepting them “the way they are”, as if the partners don’t have a right to decide who they want to be with. They call these partners shallow minded because they expect them to be healthy and fit, which would require some amount of discipline and change of lifestyle on their part; something they are unwilling to do.
Last line? Feel free to make your decisions, but be willing to carry the responsibilities that come with your decisions. Women want equality with men. You are not the boss of me, they say. Great. But please don’t expect them to open the car door for you next time you go out, or pull the chair for you to sit down first. You cannot expect chivalry from equals, right? Per in parem non habet imperium (equals have no jurisdiction over one another). If we have chosen to undo the glue that held families together in favor of loose societies, we must also live with the reality of single parents and loose family arrangements. We build a society of anything goes, we must live with the consequences as well.
Legs or Pins?
We are always coming up with all sorts of terminologies. They creep into our lexicon surreptitiously and gain acceptance in a jiffy. Who does not know what “pins” are? We all use pins at work and home, to hold pieces of papers together. But those are pins, and there are some other pins that I came across not too long ago.
